The Rush

Sometimes I freak out. I start thinking about how I’ve been in Los Angeles for over a year now and I’m still not acting as much as I want, or writing as much as I want. I think about The Boy’s new job, which is so far beneath him. I think about all the plans we have, and how far away they still feel. I think about the sidelong glances and clucks of disapproval I get when I say, “Yes, we’re getting married, and yes, I’m only twenty-three.” I’ve always been a girl of convictions, but lately I’ve been overwhelmed by this feeling of where are we going, what are we doing, is everything going to be ok? With the wedding right around the corner, everything feels so filled with consequence, like every choice is a building block in this life we’re creating, and there’s no going back or moving bricks once they’ve been laid. And of course this is a very serious decision that The Boy and I have made, but I think it’s also important to keep reminding myself: there is no rush.

There is no rush to figure this out. That’s why we’re doing it together, one step at a time.

There is no rush to have our perfect life, the life we always dreamed about. We cannot skip the beginning and jump to the middle, and we shouldn’t want to.

There is no rush to know exactly how to love each other. We are going to learn, and it will be just right, because we will learn it together.

There is no rush. On the one hand, it feels strange to be heading into this major life decision and still feel so unsettled about so many things in my life. On the other hand, I am so lucky to have a partner along the way. And the older I get, the more I realize that you’re never really settled the way you thought you would be, but you make it work anyway.

Getting married has weighed me down with this pressure to have all the answers right now, right this second. So sometimes I have to remind myself: there is no rush. Let’s just spend the morning talking and laughing in bed. I’ll make you tea if you make me coffee, and then we’ll go from there.

Or, as the great oracle Buffy Summers once said, “I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking.”

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2 thoughts on “The Rush

  1. I got your invite in the mail today! It is stunning. I can’t wait. I am beyond happy for you and know that you are making the right decisions for you. Besides, everyone knows the cookie dough is the best part of baking. :)

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